If you don't enjoy these Harry Potter jokes and puns, there may be something Ron with you
90 Funny Harry Potter Jokes and Puns All Muggles Should Know
Updated on Mar. 20, 2025
Funniest Harry Potter jokes
- On a scale of one to 10, how much do students love the Hogwarts Express?
9 3/4.
- Who is in charge of delivering all hairpieces at Hogwarts?
Hedwig.
- What’s the difference between Crookshanks and a comma?
Crookshanks has claws at the end of his paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
- Why did Dobby keep the sock from Lucius Malfoy?
He’s elfish.
- Why is Mad-Eye Moody a terrible teacher?
Because he can’t control his pupils.
- Which side of the centaur has more hair?
The outside.
- Why can’t Harry tell the difference between his spell pot and his best friend?
Because they’re both cauld Ron.
- Why does Neville always need two seats when he goes to the movies?
Because he has a Longbottom.
- What do you call Quidditch players who share a dorm?
Broommates.
- What’s Hermione’s favorite TV show?
Granger Things.
- What do you call Harry Potter when he’s angry?
The boy who livid.
- Who puts away all of the laundry at Hogwarts?
The Sorting Hat.
- What protects students’ heads while playing Quidditch?
The Sporting Hat.
- What protects students’ heads when they’re dating?
The Courting Hat.
- And which hat will end this ridiculous joke run?
The Thwarting Hat.
- Where does Dumbledore hide his army?
In his sleeve-y.
- What is a wizard’s favorite drink?
Espresso patronum.
- What book is recommended to Hogwarts students learning how to cast their Patronus?
What to Expecto When You’re Expecto-ing.
- Why did it take Harry so long to find all of the Horcruxes?
Because he was looking in all the Ron places.
- Why did Professor Lupin always win every game of hide-and-seek at Hogwarts?
He’s a where-wolf.
Harry Potter puns even Hermione would chuckle at
- Hogwarts and all
- Hufflepuff, puff, give
- Snape, crackle, pop!
- Knock at the Gryffindor
- 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one
- Off the Hagrid
- Heard it through the Snapevine
- Under lock and Portkey
- Diggory-ing your own grave
- Flip your Hedwig
- Potter? I don’t even know her!
- His and Hermione’s
- Fall into the Ron hands
- Top to Longbottom
- Cho your own adventure
- The Minerva some people!
- An Umbridge too far
- When one Dumbledore closes, another opens
- Pop goes the Weasley
- Lestrange bedfellows
Harry Potter knock-knock jokes
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
You know.
You know who?
Exactly! So don’t make me say Voldemort!
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The boy.
The boy who?
The boy who lived!
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Riddle.
Riddle who?
Oh, right. He goes by Voldemort these days.
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Witch.
Witch who?
Which of you locked this door?
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Hogwarts.
Hogwarts who?
Hogwarts is a where, not a who! If you don’t know that, you probably didn’t get accepted into the school.
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Interrupting Myrtle.
Interrupting Myrtle wh—
MOOOOAAAAANNNNN!
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Quidditch.
Quidditch who?
Quit itching your butt and let me in!
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Cedric Diggory.
Cedric Diggory who?
Ouch. I know I’m dead, but now I’m forgotten too?
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
A goblin.
A goblin who?
I’ll be a-gobbling up all your chocolate frogs if you don’t let me in!
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Cloak of invisibility.
Cloak of invisibility who?
If I wanted you to know that, would I be wearing a cloak of invisibility?
- Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Dumbledore.
Dumbledore who?
Dumbledore locked! Let me in!
- Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Luna.
Luna who?
Luna-tic if you don’t love Harry Potter!
- Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Sirius.
Sirius who?
Siriusly, open the door already!
- Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Expecto.
Expecto who?
Expecto you to open the door!
- Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Ron.
Ron who?
Ron away before Snape catches us!
- Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Hermione.
Hermione who?
Hermione-thing you can do, I can do better!
- Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Patronus.
Patronus who?
Patronus a good time when you answer the door!
- Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Neville.
Neville who?
Neville give up! Keep trying!
- Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Bellatrix.
Bellatrix who?
Bellatrix out of Azkaban—look out!
- Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Moaning.
Moaning who?
Moaning Myrtle, stop crying and open the door!
Defense against the dark humor
- Where do Death Eaters go shopping?
Voldemart.
- How do you invite a snake into your home?
“Slytherin!”
- Why did the Death Eater have an upset stomach?
Its last meal was murder!
- How many Slytherins does it take to stir a cauldron?
Just one. The wizard puts their wand into the cauldron, and the world revolves around them.
- Why does Voldemort prefer Instagram to Facebook?
He has followers, not friends.
- Why does Voldemort love Nagini?
Because she gives him hugs and hisses.
- Why won’t Voldemort wear glasses?
No one nose.
- What’s one spell Voldemort can never cast?
Ahhhh-cio!
- Why are Dementors considered the swooniest creatures at Hogwarts?
Because they take your breath away.
- Why does Snape hate herbology?
His Lily died.
- Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking Polyjuice Potion cold turkey?
It makes him Moody.
- Why do the Azkaban prisoners always have bad breath?
They’re not allowed to have Dementos.
- Why does Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road?
So that you’ll never know which side he’s on.
- What shoes does Voldemort wear around the house?
Horcrocs.
- Why did Scabbers the rat get less important as the books went on?
His Pettigrew.
- What’s the counterspell to the Killing Curse?
Avoid-a Kedavra.
- How can you tell if someone is a Malfoy?
Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
- Who teaches Defense Against Taking Offense?
Delores Umbrage.
Harry Potter laughing spells
- Professor Quirrell walks into a bar, unwraps his turban and presents the Dark Lord’s face to the barman. The Dark Lord orders a beer. “Sorry, can’t serve you,” the barman says. “You’re already out of your head.”
- A wizard walks into the Three Broomsticks and orders a Forgetfulness Potion. He turns to the witch next to him and says, “So … do I come here often?”
- A Muggle walks into the Hog’s Head Inn with a frog on his shoulder. The concierge says, “That’s pretty cool. Where’d you get it?” The frog croaks, “London. They’ve got millions of ’em!”
- Madam Hooch walks into a pub. The barkeep says, “Hey, we have booze named after you!” Hooch beams and says, “You have a drink named Rolanda?”
- Always remember: Wizards who drink Polyjuice Potion are people two.
- The first four books of Harry Potter were fun, but after the fifth, things became dead Sirius.
- A wizard walks into a bar and says he’s super thirsty. “Because it’s hot out there?” asks the bartender. The wizard answers, “No, because I had a dry spell.”
- My son asked me to make him a paper airplane. I guess I have to go to Hogwarts—despite trying all the magic I know, he’s still just a boy.
- Professor Snape has a problem with twin witches. Namely, that he never knows witch is which.
- Professor McGonagall showed a mime a magic trick. He was speechless.
Got your children laughing with these Harry Potter jokes? Keep the chuckles going with more great jokes for kids.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the last 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. For this story on the Harry Potter jokes, Brendan Hay tapped his experience as a comedy writer for DC Comics and TV shows including The Daily Show, The Simpsons and Robot Chicken. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
