65 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes to Share Around the Table

Reader's Digest

Best funny Thanksgiving quotes

1. “Thanksgiving Day—Let all give humble, hearty and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys, they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji.” —Mark Twain

2. “Michelle will tell you that when we get together for Christmas or Thanksgiving, it’s like a little mini-United Nations…I’ve got relatives who look like Bernie Mac, and I’ve got relatives who look like Margaret Thatcher…We’ve got it all.” —Barack Obama 

3. “What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” —Erma Bombeck 

4. “Thanksgiving just gets me all warm and tingly and all kinds of wonderful inside.” —Willard Scott

5. “The playoffs are the wedge between the season and the World Series. If you lose, it means you won’t be going to the greatest sports event in this country…You’re forgotten by Thanksgiving.” —Tim McCarver 

6. “My mother is a great hunter—she usually shoots our Thanksgiving turkey.” —Kirsten Gillibrand 

7. “Detente—isn’t that what a farmer has with his turkey – until Thanksgiving?” —Ronald Reagan

9. “Many of the guests will eventually leave the table to watch football on television, which would be a rudeness at any other occasion but is a relief at Thanksgiving and probably the only way to get those people to budge.” —Judith Martin

10. “I hated cranberry sauce, but for some reason my mom persisted in her lifelong belief that it was my very favorite food, even though every single Thanksgiving I politely declined to include it on my plate.” —John Green 

11. “The turkey that every day greedily approaches the farmer who tosses him grain is not wrong. It is just that no one ever told him about Thanksgiving.” —Harry Golden 

12. “On Thanksgiving, you realize you’re living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.” —George Carlin 

Reader's Digest

Funny Thanksgiving tweets

13. “Can’t understand why thanksgiving dinner changes the time of regular, normal human being dinner time. @chrissyteigen

14. “My dream is to live in the Thanksgiving episode of a 90’s sitcom.” —@AnnaKendrick47

15. “Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.” —@simoncholland

16. “Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.” —@simoncholland

17.  “When I was your age we used to have to sleep on the sidewalk outside of Best Buy on Thanksgiving night just to fight a grandma at 5 AM to save $30 on a Nintendo Wii.” —@simoncholland

18. “Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” —@JohnMayer

19. “A very happy Thanksgiving to all. I am thankful to be with my family and tear into some major carbs and then avoid the scale for one week.” —@joshgad

20. “FYI—Starting arguments around the Thanksgiving dinner table is a bad idea. Unless you’re drinking. Then it’s hilarious.” —@ActuallyNPH

21. “Before you marry someone, find out if their family drinks mimosas or runs 5ks on holiday mornings.” —@wwlwine

22. “First family fight of the Thanksgiving season: no one knows the difference between yams and sweet potatoes but we do know everyone else is wrong” —@KarinKilgariff

23. “Spent most of my Thanksgiving repeatedly asking my cousin Harris if Home Alone was based on events from his life. He’s not amused.” —@azizansari

24. “Dear Boston Market, thank you for cooking out Thanksgiving dinner since my mother cannot cook to save her life. :) heh.. jk mom!” —@ddlovato

25. “The true spirit of Thanksgiving is all about destroying your family at Uno ages 8-80” —@KarinKilgraff

26. “I love my friends. I LOVE my family. But in some ways they all pale in comparison to the Day-After-Thanksgiving-Dinner sandwich.” —@ActuallyNPH

27. “Happy Thanksgiving! To all my fellow comedians, hope your family doesn’t request a “quick standup show” or impromptu “roast.” —@azizansari

28. “Happy Thanksgiving everyone! About to head out on a safari. Hoping to nab a wild turkey for later. “Nab” means “buy pre-sliced” in Xhosa.” —@joshgroban

29. “Happy Thanksgiving y’all! And if you put pecans in the stuffing….We fightin!” —@GabbySidibe

30. “Happy Thanksgiving to everyone on Grindr.” —@billyeichner

31. “Going to Trader Joe’s the week before Thanksgiving is like a suburban middle class Hunger Games.” —@AbbyHasIssues

32. “Thanksgiving Pro Tip: Never eat any food offered to you by an adorable toddler relative. It might look like a cookie, or piece of candy, but it’s actually the flu.” —@PetrickSara

33. “My wife asked me to go to the grocery store on the day before Thanksgiving so I guess this is goodbye.” —@RodLacroix

34. “I don’t want to sit at the adult table at Thanksgiving and talk about things like mortgage rates. I want to sit at the grandparent table and talk about things like how hard it is to drive at night.” —@mommajessiec

35. “Forever grateful, this year and every year, that my family does not do a 5k, play touch football, or do any kind of physical activity whatsoever on thanksgiving.” —@holy_schnitt

36. “I wonder how long I’ll be at Thanksgiving dinner before my mom asks me to fix her computer.” —@sixfootcandy

37. “I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.” —oneawkwardmom

38. “Fun fact: The most powerful person in any family is the person who tells the other family members what to bring to Thanksgiving dinner.” —@TheBoydP

39. “I asked my husband to add some things that we need for Thanksgiving to the shopping list. When I got to the store I realized he’d just written ‘thanksgiving stuff,’ and if that doesn’t perfectly sum up marriage then I don’t know what does.” —@oneawkwardmom

40. “No one in my family takes me seriously when I ask them how many potato courses there will be at Thanksgiving.” —@michimama75

Reader's Digest

Funny Thanksgiving quotes from TV shows and films

41. “My father was a stern man. He forbade us to participate in any activities that he thought were associated with the common man….The Thanksgiving Day Parade was first on the list.” —Elaine Benes, Seinfield

42. “Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving. That’s the day people celebrate with food by eating as much of it as possible.” —Garfield, Garfield’s Thanksgiving

43. “What is Thanksgiving without a side of drama? And pie. Apple or pumpkin?” —Blair Waldorf, Gossip Girl

44. “Have you noticed that you’re the only practicing heterosexual at your Thanksgiving dinner?” —Rodney Fraser, The Object of my Affection

45. “Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. And what am I most thankful for? The truth.” —Narrator, Gossip Girl

46. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go baste the turkey and hide the kitchen knives.” —Mr. Pascal, The House of Yes

47. “Don’t you put words in people’s mouths—you put turkey in people’s mouths!” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends

48. “Here I am, 5 o’clock in the morning, stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt.” —Roseanne, Roseanne

49. “Every year I try and tell you guys that no one really sings Thanksgiving songs.” – Bob Belcher, Bob’s Burgers

50. “It was Thanksgiving.” “Yeah, to you, but to me, it’s a Thursday, right?” —Rocky, Rocky

51. “It’s not too much food. This is what we’ve been training for our whole lives. This is our destiny, this is our finest hour.” —Lorelai Gilmore, Gilmore Girls

52. “Thanksgiving is the easiest meal to make. Just take that turkey, throw it in the oven, and the rest will cook itself.” —Pretty Vee, What’s Cooking?

53. “Nobody means what they say on Thanksgiving, Mom. You know that. That’s what the day’s supposed to be all about, right? Torture.” —Claudia, Home for the Holidays

54. “Where’s the rum ham?”— Danny DeVito, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

55. “Happy Thanksgiving…it’s your turn to say Happy Thanksgiving back.” —Joe Fox, You’ve Got Mail

56. “Hey, this could be our new Thanksgiving tradition.” “What, hiding from our own family?”—Jay & Gloria, Modern Family

57. “We have to invite your parents. It’s like when the Russians boycotted the Olympics. It diminished the whole event.” —Debra Barone, Everybody Loved Raymond

58. “You know, not many of you kill your own Thanksgiving turkey, but you might want to consider it…” —Radio-show host, Tower Heist

59. “What’s not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends

60. “You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like the Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends

61. “I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal, maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown, A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

62. “You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” —Ray Romano, Everybody Loves Raymond

63. “I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” —Adele Larson, Home for the Holidays

64. “It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” —Timothy Burke, Friends

Why trust us

At Reader’s Digest, we’ve been sharing our favorite quotes for over 100 years. The sayings and quips that appear in the magazine’s “Quotable Quotes” (formerly “Remarkable Remarks”) are curated from interviews and essays originally published in the magazine, reprints from trusted titles and other verified sources. For this piece on funny Thanksgiving quotes, Associate Editor Mariah Thomas tapped her experience as a lifestyle writer and editor to ensure that all information is accurate. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.