Looking for Christmas-themed quips to cheer up even the grumpiest Scrooge? These funny Christmas quotes will crack anyone up.
70 Funny Christmas Quotes to Keep You Laughing Through the Holidays
Updated on Nov. 13, 2024
Best funny Christmas quotes
1. “I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.” —Maya Angelou
2. “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” —Elf
3. “Well, they’ll bark you down like carneys, sell you Christmas cards in June.” —Tom Waits
4. “Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” —Wendy Cope
5. “It was two weeks before Christmas. A slow time of year for raising the dead.” —Laurell K. Hamilton
6. “I hate, loathe and despise Christmas. It’s a time when single people have to take cover or get out of town.” —Kristin Hunter
7. “If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, it would be Christmas every day.” —John Boehner
8. “The ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in.” —Erma Bombeck
9. “Christmas: the one time of year when you can’t avoid the nuts in your family muesli.” —Charles Stross
10. “There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” —Conan O’Brien
11. “Waiting for a special occasion to kill me? Christmas is coming.” —Cassandra Clare
12. “Millennials watch a non-muppet adaptation of A Christmas Carol challenge” —@AnnaStonebrook
13. “‘Mistletoe,’ said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it. ‘Good thinking,’ said Luna seriously. ‘It’s often infested with nargles.’” —Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
14. “Ugster vinyl pumps, Partridge Family records, plastic daisy jewelry, old postcards…. It’s a magpie Christmas market.” —Francesca Lia Block
15. “We’re your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude.” —Elf
16. “The true tell of the Millennial v. Gen Z/cusp divide lies in one’s knowledge of the Justin Bieber Christmas album.” —@melgirm
17. “We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.” —Elf
18. “You say you hate Washington’s birthday or Thanksgiving, and nobody cares, but you say you hate Christmas, and people treat you like you’re a leper.” —Gremlins
19. “Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas.” —National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
20. “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?” —National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
21. “I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.” —National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
22. “How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter bunny?” —Home Alone
23. “I’m getting presents in the New World Order! Mrs. Claus said so!” —Billy and Mandy Save Christmas
24. “Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas.” —The Office
25. “The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. I’ve got a lot of problems with you people! Now, you’re going to hear about it.” —Seinfeld
26. “You have such a pretty face. You should be on a Christmas card.” —Elf
27. “I never eat December snowflakes. I always wait until January.” —A Charlie Brown Christmas
28. “Now you listen to me, young lady. Even if we’re horribly mangled, there’ll be no sad faces on Christmas.” —How the Grinch Stole Christmas
29. “I’ve had a really lousy Christmas. You’ve just managed to kill my New Year’s. If you come back on Easter, you can burn down my apartment.” —While You Were Sleeping
30. “You smell like beef and cheese. You don’t smell like Santa.” —Elf
31. “Christmas is just so stressful … with the lists and the lines and the dancing girls at TV Town Song Room.” —New Girl
Funny Christmas quotes about Santa
32. “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” —Bart Simpson
33. “Earlier today, this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. Now it needs a Michael.” —The Office
34. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was 6. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” —Shirley Temple
35. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” —Victor Borge
36. “I’ve always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn’t notice. It’s like some deep-seeded childhood thing.” —Bad Santa
37. “SANTA! Oh my God! Santa, here?! I know him! I know him!” —Elf
38. “Whenever you give someone a present or sing a holiday song, you’re helping Santa Claus. To me, that’s what Christmas is all about. Helping Santa Claus!” —Louis Sachar
Funny Christmas quotes about family and friends
39. “My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” —Les Dawson
40. “I saved enough for a modest house deposit by not eating avocados all year! Then I blew it on sending Christmas cards to non Millennial relatives, buying a single book of first class stamps.” —@NotRollergirl
41. “At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.” —Seinfeld
42. “It’s just nice to meet another human that shares my affinity for elf culture.” —Elf
43. “I’ve always wanted to save Christmas with a vampire sidekick ever since I was a little boy.” —Billy and Mandy Save Christmas
44. “Christmas is awesome. First of all, you got to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything.” —The Office
Funny Christmas quotes about presents
45. “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and receipts for all major purchases.” —Bridger Winegar
46. “Don’t send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.” —P. J. O’Rourke
47. “I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this morning.” —George Grossmith
48. “Stop asking millennials what we want for Christmas ~ the answer is financial and emotional stability, thank you.” —@christinajhuynh
49. “The perfect Christmas gift for a sportscaster, as all fans of sports clichés know, is a scoreless tie.” —William Safire
50. “Hey, great idea: if you have kids, give your partner reading vouchers next Christmas. Each voucher entitles the bearer to two hours’ reading time *while the kids are awake*. It might look like a cheapskate present, but parents will appreciate that it costs more in real terms than a Lamborghini.” —Nick Hornby
51. “Feeling very millennial right now considering my Christmas list has three separate dogs I want to get gifts for.” —@flamingtortugas
52. “Millennials don’t get enough credit for not killing Christmas cards.” —@MonoChz
53. “Just remember, Cassie, disappointment is a present, too.” —Billy and Mandy Save Christmas
Celebratory funny Christmas quotes
54. “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” —Andy Borowitz
55. “I have my own holiday tradition. It’s like the 12 days of Christmas, but it’s one day with 12 bottles of wine.” —Schitt’s Creek
56. “What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer.” —The Office
57. “I can’t get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it didn’t work.” —Scrooged
58. “I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candy Pams. And perhaps some Pam chops with mint.” —The Office
59. “This place reminds me of Santa’s workshop. Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me.” —Elf
60. “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! And, when I wake up, I’m getting a CAT scan!” —The Santa Claus
61. “Son of a NUTCRACKER!” —Elf
62. “You’re a reindeer. Here’s your motivation: Your name is Rudolph, you’re a freak with a red nose, and no one likes you. Then, one day, Santa picks you and you save Christmas.” —How the Grinch Stole Christmas
63. “I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn’t.” —The Office
64. “Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party’s so lame.” —The Office
65. “Christmas isn’t about Santa or Jesus. It’s about the workplace.” —The Office
66. “Millennials will be 90 years old and still be quoting the vine of the person saying merry christmas in increasingly silly ways.” —@orionsfannypack
67. “I planned out our whole day. First, we’ll make snow angels for two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Toll House cookie dough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle.” —Elf
68. “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.” —Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
69. “Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, in my underwear?” —The Santa Clause
70. “I like to claim I’m not a millennial, but last night my wife and I looked into renting a Christmas tree.” —@hortichris
Love Christmas movies? Then read on for more Christmas movie quotes.
Why trust us
At Reader’s Digest, we’ve been sharing our favorite quotes for over 100 years. The sayings and quips that appear in the magazine’s “Quotable Quotes” (formerly “Remarkable Remarks”) are curated from interviews and essays originally published in the magazine, reprints from trusted titles and other verified sources. For this piece on funny Christmas quotes, Associate Editor Mariah Thomas tapped her 5+ years of experience as an editor and writer to ensure that all information is accurate. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
