Sometimes you have to—or simply want to—say no. Here’s how to decline an invitation the right way and limit hurt feelings.
How to Politely Decline an Invitation in Any Situation
Updated on Feb. 24, 2025
An acquaintance recently invited me and my family to dinner. Caught up in the moment, I replied “yes.” As soon as she walked away, I panicked. That month was incredibly busy, and we were already booked every weekend. There was no way we could fit in an extra evening … and yet I’d still said yes because I didn’t want to risk hurting her feelings. As an etiquette writer for more than a decade, I really should have known better, but knowing how to politely decline an invitation is hard. And you probably know exactly the type of regret and frustration I was feeling because chances are you’ve done the same thing.
“One of the most common etiquette rules I see people break is saying ‘yes’ or ‘maybe’ to a commitment when what they really mean is ‘no,’” says etiquette expert Lisa Mirza Grotts, founder of the Golden Rules Gal. “If you know you can’t do something, it’s better to politely decline right away than to have to cancel later or, even worse, back out at the last minute.”
That fear of hurting the other person’s feelings is very common, but it’s misguided because what it’s really doing is just delaying the hurt feelings, says certified etiquette expert Elaine Swann. “Canceling later will hurt their feelings more because they expected you and then you let them down,” she explains. Plus, some of the things we do that we think are helping when we RSVP “no”—like offering elaborate explanations—make the situation worse.
Which is exactly what happened. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t immediately call the woman and tell her I’d forgotten about my other commitments. I didn’t want to think about it. So I ignored it for a week, and then when she sent a message asking me to bring a dessert, I told her that one of the kids had something pop up unexpectedly and we wouldn’t be able to make it. So I added dishonesty on top of it. She handled it graciously, but I felt like a jerk, especially because I’m pretty sure she saw through my flimsy excuse.
While we may wish we could say yes to everything, we simply can’t do everything. We asked Grotts and Swann, along with therapist Lia Avellino, to share how to say no the right way. Read on for their pro tips—and some handy scripts!—for politely declining any invitation.
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Tips for saying no to an invitation
Of course, different types of invitations require different responses, but a few underlying rules apply to any response. The most important one? Make sure to respond to the invitation. “It’s becoming more and more common, especially with digital invitations, to simply ignore them,” Swann says. “Don’t do that—it’s so rude.” Also respond in a timely manner, always RSVP’ing within the time frame given. Here’s what else you need to know.
- Use “I” language when declining. It’s harder to argue with and less likely to make the other person feel bad.
- Focus on the positive, and be grateful. Rather than apologizing, Grotts says, say how happy you are that they invited you and that while you can’t make it this time, you look forward to getting together with them in the future. Also remember to say thank you, even if it’s not something you’d ever be interested in.
- Be honest … but not too honest. Less is more when it comes to explanations, Grotts says. Resist the urge to overexplain or give too many details.
- Know when to text vs. when to call. A short text is fine to turn down a happy hour with co-workers, but if you’re RSVP’ing no to your sister’s wedding, you need to call her or speak in person.
With that in mind, see below for the various nuances of what to say, depending on the type of event you’ve been invited to and your relationship with the person.
Short phrases to politely decline an invitation
“For most types of invitations, short and sweet is the best route,” Swann says. “You can decline an invitation in a single sentence.” All you really need is to offer thanks for the invitation and your regrets for not being able to attend.
Examples:
- “You are so kind to think of me, but I won’t be able to make it this time.”
- “Sending my regrets with all my love.”
- “This sounds amazing, but can I take a rain check?”
- “I’m out of town that weekend, but I really appreciate the invitation.”
- “So sad to have to miss this one! Let’s get together soon, though.”
- “Super bummed to miss out on your party, but I can’t wait to see the pictures.”
- “I won’t be able to make it, but I’m sending you all my love from afar.”
- “I’m sorry I can’t make it, but thanks for thinking of me.”
- “I’m feeling sick, so I think it’s best for everyone if I stay home.”
- “Thanks for the invite, but I won’t be able to make it. I hope y’all have the best time!”
- “I hate to say no, but that’s actually my wedding anniversary. Thanks for the invite, though!”
How to politely decline an invitation to a casual get-together
Invitations to a casual event like a girls’ night out, brunch, date night with friends or happy hour require a response, but keep it brief and light, says Grotts. Keep in mind that anything you say when declining will likely be shared with the rest of the group, so don’t share details you wouldn’t want everyone to know, she adds. Here’s how to approach the situation when you want to make it a little more personal than the short-and-sweet options noted above.
Examples:
- “Thanks so much for including me in your girls’ night out! I won’t be able to make it this time, but definitely ping me next time you go out.”
- “Happy hour sounds like so much fun, but I’m already committed at that time. Say hi to everyone for me!”
- “You are so sweet to think of me for brunch, but I’m not available this weekend. I’d love to go another time.”
- “Game nights are my favorite, but I have to bow out this time. Have fun, and remind everyone I’m still the reigning Scrabble champ!”
How to politely decline an invitation to a party
From food to decor to entertainment, parties can be a lot of work and a big expense for the host, so keep that in mind when RSVP’ing, says Grotts. Be prompt and kind, whether it’s a blowout birthday party or a casual summer barbecue. However, if you find yourself constantly declining invitations from a particular person, it might be time to reevaluate that relationship, notes Avellino.
Examples:
- “Happy birthday to Bob! Fifty is a huge milestone! Unfortunately I won’t be able to celebrate with you guys this year, but I’ll be with you in spirit.”
- “Thank you so much for inviting me to your holiday party—it really means a lot that you’d think of me! I’m busy that evening, but I’d love to catch up after the holidays.”
- “Some of my favorite memories are from your summer barbecues, and while I’m sad that I won’t be able to make this one, I look forward to making more fun memories together in the future.”
- “Your New Year’s Eve party sounds like a blast! Thank you so much for inviting me, but I already have plans that evening. Perhaps next year we can ring in the new year together!”
How to politely decline an invitation to a work event
Work events are a special case because they’re not just social, so you should take extra care in crafting your message. “Be concise, professional and warm,” Swann advises. Be careful not to overshare personal details—one of the top bad work habits that could make you seem unprofessional.
Examples:
- “Our team has worked so hard, and going out for drinks and karaoke sounds like a great way to decompress together. I’ll have to pass this time because I have a family commitment, but I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.”
- “The monthly office potluck is such a great way to get to know everyone, and I’m so sad to miss it this time. Please let me know if you need help organizing future events.”
- “I’m so grateful to be included on the guest list for this year’s charity gala—it’s such an honor! I will be out of town on that date, but please accept my contribution to the cause.”
- “Thanks so much for inviting me to the end-of-year employee dinner, but I regret that I’ll have to miss it this year due to other commitments.”
How to politely decline an invitation to a family event
Declining an invitation to a family event, like a child’s birthday party or a milestone anniversary party, can feel like the toughest situation to navigate. “The key is to focus on connection,” says Avellino. “Let them know that your relationship with them is valuable and special to you.”
Examples:
- “Thank you for all your hard work putting together Grandma and Grandpa’s anniversary party! I’ll be sending my love from afar, but I’d love to FaceTime in if that’s an option.”
- “Jack’s 8th birthday party sounds like a blast, but due to health reasons, I’ll need to sit this one out. This wasn’t an easy decision to make, and I’m grateful for your understanding and support. I have a present for Jack that I’ll bring over soon. Give him a big hug from me. I love you both!”
- “The family reunion this summer sounds epic! Unfortunately, we’re already booked that weekend. We’re so sad to miss it, and we love spending time with you all, so I hope we can get together soon!”
- “Family dinner is always a great time, so we’ll be extra sad to miss it this month. Thank you for the invitation, though, and we look forward to seeing you at the next one.”
How to politely decline an invitation to a bridal shower or baby shower
This is a situation that often requires a little more than a simple “no thanks,” Swann says. For instance, you may want to send a baby gift or at least call and offer your heartfelt congratulations.
Examples:
- “I’m overjoyed about your upcoming wedding, and I know you will be such a lovely bride. I won’t be able to make your shower due to a prior commitment, but I’d love to get coffee the week after and hear all about it.”
- “Thank you so much for inviting me to your baby shower. Babies are such a wonderful gift, and I’m excited for your growing family. Please accept this gift and my sincerest congratulations.”
- “I’m heartbroken to have to miss your baby shower, but I’ll call you when I’m back in town. I’d love to take you shopping at a later date to pick out some cute baby outfits together.”
- “Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! I regret that I can’t come to your bridal shower, but I wish you all the best—now and in the future.”
How to politely decline an invitation to a wedding
Most people don’t invite someone to their wedding unless they have a strong personal connection—and it’s important to honor that connection in your RSVP, says Grotts. Thank them for the honor of the invitation, emphasize how important they are to you and offer heartfelt wedding wishes. It’s also always a nice gesture to send a wedding gift, even if you can’t make it to the wedding.
Examples:
- “I wish you all the joy and happiness in the world in your upcoming union. It means a lot to me that you invited me to such a special moment in your lives! I won’t be able to celebrate with you in person at the wedding, but I hope you enjoy this gift.”
- “I was so excited to see your wedding invitation—you are such a beautiful couple! While we can’t celebrate with you in person, know that we are sending all our love from afar.”
- “It’s such an honor to be invited to your wedding, and I hope the day is full of love and joy (and perfect weather)! While we can’t make it to the ceremony, know that you are in our hearts always.”
- “We are sending our deepest regrets, as we are unable to attend your wedding. May your day—and your marriage—be full of joy and love.”
How not to decline an invitation
You’ve likely been on both the giving and receiving ends of a fumbled RSVP, so you know how bad it can feel. “It’s worth taking a little extra care and thought when turning down an invitation because the person had to put themselves out there, at least a little bit, to invite you,” Swann says. The main things to avoid include:
- Overexplaining: “Explaining too much isn’t for their benefit—it’s for yours,” Avellino says. “You’re trying to pad yourself with protection so nobody is mad at you.” But here’s the thing: You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Plus, this can just make things awkward.
- Making excuses: Similar to over-explaining, people often believe they need a “valid” excuse to turn down an event. In reality, making excuses may prompt the other person to try to fix the issue or change something to accommodate you—putting both of you in an uncomfortable situation, Swann says.
- Responding too quickly: You want to respond in a timely manner, but you also want to make it look like you’ve taken a moment to try to make it work.
Here are some examples of the worst ways to say no to an invite that are either too short, too long, too brusque or simply TMI:
- “No thanks.”
- “I have so many things to do, and I can’t deal with another thing right now.”
- “Can I tell you later? I’m waiting to hear if Annie is having her birthday party that weekend.”
- “You know I hate parties—I have social anxiety.”
- “I’ve got the worst diarrhea, and I can’t leave a five-foot radius of the toilet. I think it was all the Taco Bell.”
- “I can’t come unless you can give me a ride and cover my cost at dinner.”
- “I wish I could, but Matt has knitting lessons that night, Gia has MMA practice—I told you she wants to be a spy when she grows up—and you know how Tony is always going out of town and never helps me with the kids. Plus, babysitters are so expensive. Have you even seen how much they charge these days? And the dog will probably throw up on the carpet again. Did I tell you about my insomnia? I haven’t been sleeping at all these days, and my doctor thinks I’m hitting menopause (yikes!). But I love you and I’d totally come except I also have a huge work project and I’m already in hot water with my boss over that deadline I missed last week when Gia had the flu …”
Admit it (between laughs)—you know people who do all of these things. Hopefully you’re not one of them!
How to smooth things over, if necessary
Hurt feelings can happen, especially when dealing with social events. Instead of trying to make sure no one ever gets their feelings hurt—it’s not possible or practical—focus on maintaining the relationship and being true to your values. “If you know someone is upset, don’t avoid the conversation,” Swann says. “Ask them how they are feeling, and focus on repairing the relationship.”
While you don’t need to apologize for having boundaries for your time, you can reassure the other person that you care about them and they are important to you, adds Grotts. And at the end of the day, relationships are what the invitation is all about anyway.
About the experts
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Reader’s Digest has published hundreds of etiquette stories that help readers navigate communication in a changing world. We regularly cover topics such as the best messages to send for any occasion, polite habits that aren’t as polite as they seem, email and texting etiquette, business etiquette, tipping etiquette, travel etiquette and more. We’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experience where appropriate. For this piece on how to politely decline an invitation, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who specializes in etiquette and communication for Reader’s Digest. Then Jacqueline Whitmore, a business etiquette expert and hospitality consultant with more than 30 years of experience who owns the Protocol School of Palm Beach, gave it a rigorous review to ensure that all information is accurate and offers the best possible advice to readers. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Elaine Swann, certified etiquette expert and founder of the Swann School of Protocol; phone interview, Sept. 26, 2024
- Lia Avellino, LCSW, therapist and CEO of Brooklyn-based emotional wellness center Spoke; phone interview, January 2023
- Lisa Mirza Grotts, etiquette expert and founder of the Golden Rules Gal; phone interview, January 2023
