Be prepared for the holiday season and beyond. Here's what you should do in this gifting situation—and how to make it a lot less awkward.
If Someone Gives Me a Gift, Do I Need to Give Them One in Return?
Published on Dec. 05, 2024
Confession: I have a box of generic gifts I buy on sale and keep under my bed so that I’ll always have something on hand in case of a gifting emergency. What constitutes a gifting emergency? Forgetting someone’s birthday, procrastinating buying teacher gifts that are due tomorrow and … receiving a gift, especially during the holiday season. It was ingrained in me from a young age that gifting should be reciprocal. If someone was kind enough to get you something, then you should be kind enough to get them something back. Well, as it turns out, that’s a great idea in theory … but terrible in practice.
Take this recent scenario: My friend brought me a birthday gift, and I remembered in that moment that her birthday was just a couple weeks before mine. So I was like, “Hold on! I have your gift too!” I grabbed a scented lotion out of my gifting stockpile, scribbled a quick card (while she waited awkwardly in my kitchen) and proudly presented it to her. “I’ve been holding on to this, but I hadn’t had time to run it over to you since your birthday. I’m so sorry it’s late! Happy birthday!”
“No, you did not!” gasps Lizzie Post when I tell her this story. Yes, that Lizzie Post—the country’s foremost etiquette expert, co-president of the Emily Post Institute. “That’s so awkward!”
Little did she know it was about to get even more awkward. My friend said thanks for the gift but then added, “Well, I can’t use scented products, unfortunately …” Which is a fact about her I’ve known for a very long time because we’ve been friends for 10 years. Not only had I lied and forgotten her birthday, but I’d also forgotten about her very serious allergies. She apologetically handed it back to me. I felt like the worst friend ever. (Ami, if you read this, I am so sorry!)
“And that is why I’m not a fan of stockpile gifts or ‘the gift closet,'” Post says. “Was it really about giving a gift, or were you just checking a box?”
I was checking a box. “But I thought that if someone gives you a gift you’re supposed to give them one back,” I say, humbled.
“This is actually one of my favorite etiquette myths to bust,” Post says. Read on to find out the current etiquette rules for giving and receiving gifts—including around the holidays—along with whether or not you should get rid of your own box of generic gifts.
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If someone gives you a gift, do you need to give them one in return?
“No, you do not need to give a gift in return for getting one,” Post says. “Gift giving is already reciprocal—meaning that they are being generous with you, and they are rewarded by seeing you enjoy the gift. Offering a sincere ‘thank you‘ is all you need to give in return.”
And sometimes, as in my case, trying to give a gift in return—either immediately or shortly afterward—can turn a sweet moment of kindness into a very uncomfortable situation. “It’s actually going to look weirder if you run away and come back with a random candle or something,” Post says, good-naturedly rubbing salt in my wound. “Gifts clearly given out of guilt or obligation feel bad to the person getting them, and now you’ve made it weird for both of you.”
The bottom line is that the point of giving a gift is because you were thinking of someone. So giving a generic gift as a response shows no thought at all and reinforces the idea that you forgot an event or didn’t think of them.
What do you do when someone gives you an unexpected gift?
“The best thing you can do anytime you receive a gift is to give a heartfelt thank-you and compliment the gift,” Post says. “They picked it out for you because they thought you would enjoy it, so show them how much you enjoy it.” This leaves the gift giver and receiver feeling warm and fuzzy about the interaction.
“A lot of people feel like they ‘owe’ a gift to the other person, but you don’t owe anyone a gift,” she adds. “Don’t use a gift to fill an empty or awkward moment—use gratitude.”
That said, you can give a gift in return, but it should be at a totally different time, and you shouldn’t connect it to the gift they gave you. “Take the time to put thought into what they would like and pick out something meaningful,” she says. (And, I would add, allergen free.)
What type of generic gifts are good to have on hand?
While Post advises against generic or stockpiled gifts as a rule, she acknowledges that there are situations where having a few thoughtful yet versatile gifts on hand can be a lifesaver. “For instance, during the holidays, it’s common for gifts, including reciprocal ones, to be expected,” she says. The difference lies in intent: having a stash of gifts ready isn’t about keeping score but about making life easier during busy or unexpected moments.
Not every gift needs to be deeply personal. Giving small tokens of appreciation to acquaintances, such as neighbors or colleagues, is good etiquette—especially during holiday-party or work exchanges—when personalizing each gift isn’t feasible. For these cases, Post suggests having a collection of small, crowd-pleasing gifts ($25 or less) at your disposal. Examples include boxes of wrapped chocolates, festive tea towels, quality hand soap, funny mugs and cozy socks.
Mistakes people make when giving gifts in return
There are a few common etiquette mistakes that people make when giving gifts after getting a gift, according to Post. Here’s what to avoid.
- Lying. Don’t make up an excuse why you didn’t get them a gift or pretend that your generic gift is handpicked for them.
- Promising to give them a gift later. You’re not obligated to give a gift in return.
- Bringing a gift to every occasion. “You don’t always have to bring something when visiting someone—your visit is the gift,” Post says. However, sometimes you really should. For example, if you’re staying overnight at someone’s home or attending a formal dinner party, a hostess gift—such as a bottle of wine, a candle or gourmet snacks—is a considerate touch. On the other hand, casual get-togethers or impromptu visits don’t typically require a gift.
- Giving a gift out of guilt. Again, there’s no need to feel guilty! They wanted to make you smile when they bought you that gift, not make you feel bad.
- Putting yourself down. Avoid saying, “I’m the worst friend,” “I didn’t get you anything” or similar statements. This will only make them feel bad and make the entire interaction awkward.
“Giving a gift is about generosity of spirit, both in the person giving the gift and the person receiving it,” Post says. “So receive a gift in the generous spirit it was given and say thank you. That’s it.”
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Reader’s Digest has published hundreds of etiquette stories that help readers navigate communication in a changing world. We regularly cover topics such as the best messages to send for any occasion, polite habits that aren’t as polite as they seem, email and texting etiquette, business etiquette, tipping etiquette, travel etiquette and more. We’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experiences where appropriate. For this piece on gift etiquette, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who specializes in etiquette and communication for Reader’s Digest. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Source:
- Lizzie Post, etiquette expert and co-president of the Emily Post Institute; phone interview, Nov. 27, 2024
