Modern etiquette is about so much more than using the right forks and addressing envelopes. Here's what you need to know.
I’m an Etiquette Expert, and These 16 Tips Will Make You the Politest Person in Any Room
Updated on Nov. 18, 2024
If you’ve ever heard anything about etiquette, you’ve probably heard of Emily Post. She was the OG etiquette expert in the United States, and her institute has set the standards of good manners and etiquette rules for more than a century. She’s also my great-grandmother, so I guess you could say I was born into the etiquette business. But that doesn’t mean I was born automatically polite. Good manners are a skill, and one I’ve had to learn just like everyone else. I’ve certainly made a few mistakes along the way!
One incident from around 20 years ago particularly stands out in my mind. I was buying something in a store, and all I had was my debit card. The cashier explained that they only accepted cash or a credit card, neither of which I had on me. I was exhausted and frustrated and took it out on her. What kind of place accepts credit but not debit? They’re both cards that go in a card reader! I can’t remember exactly what I said, but I remember the poor woman’s face as I stormed out of the store. As soon as I calmed down, I realized that, of course, the store policy wasn’t her fault, and I was embarrassed. I needed an etiquette check. I called the store and asked to speak to her and apologized in the most polite way I knew how. She accepted my apology graciously.
That may not sound like the worst example of bad manners, but the interaction really showed me the power of etiquette. Good etiquette is what keeps society running because it smooths over all those little problems and rough spots that come when interacting with other people. Since then, I’ve become the co-president of the Emily Post Institute, written a few books and started the Awesome Etiquette podcast. Clearly, I am incredibly passionate about teaching good etiquette to others. So many of society’s ills could be solved by people practicing better manners, and as you’ll see below, it’s easier than you think.
Get Reader’s Digest’s Read Up newsletter for more etiquette tips, humor, cleaning, travel, tech and fun facts all week long.
How to have good etiquette
Before we get started, let’s cover a few important basics. The first thing you need to know about having good manners? Etiquette isn’t meant to be exclusionary—it’s not about separating the “high-class” folks who know what fork to use from the “lower” classes who don’t. Instead, it’s meant to be inclusionary. Proper etiquette gives everyone the same set of rules to live by to make things fair and kind. So, in my books and classes, the first thing I tell people is that the single-most transformative question you can yourself is: How does my behavior impact other people? All etiquette rules are based around your answer to that question.
I could care less if you know your dessert spoon from your soup spoon (OK, I actually do care a little about those kinds of table manners), but I care very much if you know how to be kind and empathetic toward others. That’s the foundation of good etiquette.
Now that we’ve got that settled, read on for the top etiquette tips that I wish everyone knew. Each of these could honestly be its own etiquette article, but this will give you a solid overview. Let’s get started.
Don’t gross out others
So many etiquette rules can be summed up with this one! Don’t chew with your mouth open. Don’t talk with food in your mouth. Cover your sneezes and coughs. Blow your nose in private. Don’t chomp your gum loudly (and don’t throw your gum anywhere that isn’t a trash can). Don’t spit or pick your nose in public. Don’t put your bare feet up on another person’s airplane seat. Clean up any messes you make. Don’t chew on your toenails with your teeth on the subway during rush hour while not wearing deodorant. There are an infinite number of ways to be gross, but hopefully you get the idea.
Not sure if what you’re doing is gross? Ask a trusted friend or family member to tell you. Or video yourself or try doing it in front of a mirror so you can see what it looks like to other people.
Take only your slice of the conversation pie
Everyone understands that they should be a “good listener,” but I want you to be a great listener because that is the foundation of every interaction with another person. Do you really understand what they’re saying? What do they need? What do they want from you? Don’t just sit silently or think about what you’ll say when they stop talking. Actively pay attention to the other person—not just their words but also their mannerisms and body language.
If there are more than two people in the conversation, understand the “conversation pie.” That means each person should speak less, taking up less of the total conversation time, so everyone gets an equal chance to be heard. And yes, that means that you’ll be listening far more than you’re speaking.
Know how to apologize the right way
You don’t have to apologize for everything, but when you do make a mistake, you should own it and know how to offer a polite apology. Bad apologies add more hurt; good apologies are a balm on the wound. The basic rule of a good apology is that it should start with humility and an “I’m sorry for,” not “I’m sorry but …” And be sincere.
Note that a good apology doesn’t mean that you think the other person was right or that you’re automatically agreeing with them. It means that you are sorry for how your behavior made them feel. A good apology is often the start to a longer conversation.
Always RSVP, even when the event is casual
This rule is so important and so simple: If someone does the kindness of inviting you somewhere, answer them. And do it in a timely manner in the way they request. For instance, fill out the RSVP card in a wedding invitation and send it back. If an invitation requests a text reply or a call, do that. Digital invites can be responded to digitally. But do respond. Something about modern society has made it common for people to simply ignore invitations or answer late or inappropriately. But just because it’s common doesn’t make it right.
And don’t forget to practice good etiquette by reciprocating invitations. You don’t have to invite someone to your wedding just because they invited you to theirs, but make sure there’s a balance between you issuing and receiving invitations among you and your friends.
Speak kindly to others
A phrase I like to tell people in my classes is that two rudes don’t make a polite. If someone is rude to you, don’t respond in a similar way. It’s easy to let our feelings get the best of us, like I did with that cashier. You may end up yelling at them, perhaps cursing. Or trying to take something away. Or getting into a fight. Resist the urge to respond to rudeness with more rudeness. A big part of good manners is good self-control. This doesn’t mean you should stand by and tolerate bad behavior. Good etiquette means recognizing that the only person you can control is yourself. So in a tense situation, you can teach, help, admonish, defuse or walk away—and all of those can be done politely.
Respect the personal-space bubble
The size of the standard personal-space bubble varies between cultures and individuals, but every person has a bubble. If you cross this invisible line, you will make the other person uncomfortable. The bottom line here is that you should respect people’s personal space. This means not standing on top of the next person in line, not touching strangers (including cute children!) and asking before you go in for a hug. You can also practice politely enforcing your own bubble. “Oh, no thanks to a hug! How about a handshake? I’m so happy to meet you.”
Don’t play videos or music on your phone speaker in public
So many modern ills are caused by poor phone etiquette, and the kicker is that they’re often recorded and broadcast via those same phones. Perhaps the biggest issue with phones is that they suck in your attention so thoroughly that you become unaware of others around you and how your behavior is impacting them. But you are not the “main character,” and other people are not just players in the background. So don’t talk on speakerphone, play videos or games with the volume on, or video-chat in public places. Just wear headphones!
Avoid passive-aggressive phrases or fake niceness
Being passive-aggressive falls under the umbrella of what I like to call “fake etiquette”—when you’re pretending to be polite and hoping the other person won’t notice the difference. Not only does this give politeness a bad name, but it also encourages more bad behavior. Way too many people think that good etiquette stops with being polite to someone’s face and then will lie, gossip or make snide comments behind their back. Lying, gossiping and passive-aggressive comments are always an etiquette mistake.
Engage in small courtesies
Big gestures often get the most attention, but it’s the little niceties that really add up over time. Good manners are about showing kindness to others. So open doors, say “please” and “thank you,” introduce people, offer your seat to someone who needs it more, wipe your shoes, return the shopping cart and all of those other “little” things. People with good manners are polite because they are polite people, not because someone else is watching.
One important note: If that small courtesy involves another person directly, you should always ask first. A simple “May I get your coat?” or “Can I grab the door for you?” is all it takes. Asking first allows the other person to say what they would truly prefer. To me, asking first before helping is one of the most subtle and genius changes to our etiquette advice in years.
Know how to write a good thank-you and sympathy note
There are two kinds of notes everyone should be comfortable writing: thank-you cards and sympathy cards. Keep a stack of cards handy at home that you can use to express care and concern for someone or share your gratitude. This isn’t just good etiquette—it can be life-changing for both people.
Talk to every guest at your party
Whether it’s your wedding or a holiday party, it is imperative from an etiquette perspective that you talk to and acknowledge every guest who attends. I recommend using a receiving line for a formal event or table visits for something more casual. Using either of these party tools will help you easily greet everyone and have a nice exchange with them.
Ask guests about personal accommodations
If you’re hosting a party, ask guests about any specific accommodations they may need. And go beyond simply asking about food allergies or dietary restrictions. For instance, they may need to avoid stairs or particular scents, or require access to a ground-floor bathroom. With the number of Americans living with disabilities, I even encourage people to include the question on their RSVP requests.
Keep your commitments
While there are lots of reasons and emergency situations that can arise that will keep you from a party, unless you are truly sick, you should do your best to keep your commitments. Repeatedly flaking out or canceling at the last minute because you just “don’t feel like it” will make it look like you only want friendship when it’s convenient for you. Some people have real illnesses and conditions that keep them from socializing easily, and that’s different. If you have RSVP’ed and can go, go—your host is counting on you.
Make guest lists private
There’s a new trend of making guest lists public on digital invitations or events. This is a big faux pas. Guest lists aren’t public info, and a guest should not be basing whether or not they go to a social event based on who else is attending. They should decide based on the invitation itself from the host.
Graciously accept gifts
The proper response to receiving a gift is not: “Oh, no—I don’t have anything for you!” or “Yours is in the mail” (when it’s not). The correct response is: “Thank you so much!” You can then compliment the gift and focus on showing your gratitude. By doing this, you keep the focus on the giver and their generosity toward you, not your lack of having something in return. Most gift-giving moments aren’t exchanges, and the holidays are often a time when gift-giving (outside of immediate family) is optional and might vary from year to year.
Don’t correct other people’s etiquette
A cardinal etiquette mistake I see often is that once people learn an etiquette rule, they feel the need to correct others around them. But unless you are someone who is in charge of educating that person—a parent or teacher, for example—it’s not your responsibility to fix bad manners in the wild. (The one exception to this etiquette rule is if you are correcting information about your identity, like your name.) Criticizing others is impolite and makes them defensive. The best way to teach good etiquette? Model it yourself!
About the expert
|
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has published hundreds of etiquette stories that help readers navigate communication in a changing world. We regularly cover topics such as the best messages to send for any occasion, polite habits that aren’t as polite as they seem, email and texting etiquette, business etiquette, tipping etiquette, travel etiquette and more. We’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experiences where appropriate. For this piece, Charlotte Hilton Andersen interviewed longtime etiquette expert Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Source:
- Lizzie Post, etiquette expert, co-president of the Emily Post Institute, co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast and author of numerous etiquette books, including Emily Post’s Business Etiquette; phone interview, Oct. 3, 2024
